Halo: Equestria
by Kirlia481
Summary: A small UNSC fleet is deployed to inspect an unknown planet. Unfortunately for them, The Covenant have got there first. What will happen in the Battle for Equestria? Chief doesn't show up until a few chapters in
1. Prologue

_1635 hours_

_November 17th_

_2542_

_Covenant CSO supercarrier StealthStriker_

_60 million miles from Reach_

* * *

_What extraordinary fools_

This was all Covenant Fleetmaster Solarius could think as he replayed the message over and over and over again.

''Greetings, to anyone to receives this message. I am Princess Celestia. I am sending this message from Equestria. We are a peaceful (static), and we hope your intentions are honorable.''

Solarius, A Jiralhanae, paused the message and chuckled darkly. He didn't know what word was supposed to be after peaceful, but he went with planet.

(Quick note. Solarius looks exactly like a Jiralhanae Captain Ultra, but with black armor)

''Peaceful planet, then? This will be a pushover.'' he said.

Solarius was tasked with conquering any planets he found. So far, all he had found were A: Asteroids, B: Big-ass space Slugs that were getting the munchies, C: Dustballs Not even the High Priests would be interested with,^ and D: Supply ships. He appreciated the supply ships, but the second Space slug he found nearly took a bite out of a battlecruiser, and he was keen not to run into one again.

He was well versed in Human Culture. Specifically, Pop culture. He did this by pillaging a UNSC supply ship and taking a brand-spanking-new computer, and a MAC cannon (Some assembly required). His fleet was moderately big/big/overkill (whichever way you look at it) at 35 main ships and well equipped, having 7 battleships, 6 assault carriers, 10 CCS class Battlecruisers, 6 SDV class heavy corvettes, 5 agricultural support ships, countless fighters and dropships and the crown jewel of his fleet,

His personal CSO class Supercarrier (which Solarius had rather dickishly installed with the aforementioned MAC cannon and Prototype cloaking technology) added the word bad-ass to Covenant fleet.

Solarius sat in the command chair on the supercarrier, which he had named the StealthStriker, and was starting to mimic Celestia's voice for his own amusement.

''Yes, i'm a stupid twit who hangs a 'Peaceful Planet, Please Invade' sign on my empire. Rulers gonna rule. Trollers gonna troll.'' Solarius roared with laughter. ''In fact, I may call her 'Trollestia'.'' He laughed again.

Nearby, an Unggoy helmsman was waiting for orders.

''Do we go for it, sir?'' the helmsman asked. He was amazed. The Fleetmaster was never in this good a mood. He was obviously delighted by Planetary free pickings.

Solarius rose from the chair as he still chuckled.

''Why do you even ask? Set course for this Horsia planet.''

''Equestria.'' The helmsman corrected.

''Close enough.'' Solarius shrugged.

* * *

_2100 hours_

_March 25th 2543_

_ UNSC Paris class heavy Frigate Baltimore_

_9600 miles from Reach_

* * *

''LISTEN UP, GRUNTMONKEYS!'' Lieutenant Thomas Wilson was briefing his 50 man platoon on their current mission. Most of them were fresh-faced, and had never seen combat. Wilson, along with Sergeant Nilsson, Sergeant Dupont, and Private First Class Mitchell were all that was left of the original platoon, the rest having been retired or having their heads blown off by a Jackal.

''The main fleet has supposedly detected an interstellar call from a planet in an unknown star system. We would've got there sooner, but the morons at Fleet Command dropped it in the proverbial basement, and it took them a while to fish it out again. This particular Star System is at our speed, a week away. I'm not sure if they actually received a message, or if they're just trolling us, but the Frigates Baltimore, Dallas, and Pandora have been sent to investigate this planet, with an escort of 5 Halcyon cruisers. The rest of the fleet will hang around at Reach, and if there's any Covenant shaped trouble, they'll get to us ASAP. We'll be going into Slipspace at 2300 hours.''

''...''

''We also have Scorpions, Longswords, and Hornets. Don't ask me why, but we do.''

''YEAAAH!''

* * *

Oh those Gruntmonkeys. They love their toys.

^ B and C are references to star wars episodes 5 and 4, respectedly

* * *

Ok, Warping mistake has been corrected. I'm going on Vacation for a few days, so Don't expect any updates for a bit.


	2. Diplomacy never fails!

_1235 hours_

_January 1st 2543_

_Canterlot Conference Room_

_Equestria_

* * *

Solarius and Celestia were arguing with each other over which territories would join the Covenant, which species would join the covenant, what weapons the Covenant ponies would use, and which muffins each side would have. (:3)

The other leaders consisting of

The changeling queen Chrysalis

The Seapony Samantha

The Snakepony Slither, daughter of the Snakepony leader,

The zebra Zecora (Solarius was to lazy to find the zebra leaders)

The dragon Ferno,

The Celerian leader Tomoya Benato,

And the Northern-most country, Yuktomaria's leader, Vladimir Markhov, were just sitting there, bemused at the fight.

"Ok, Ok, You get the Vanilla muffins, we get the Chocolate muffins. Agreed?" Solarius asked.

Celestia simply nodded.

"Ok. Who here will join the Covenant Empire?" Solarius asked.

"What's in it for us?" Markhov asked.

Solarius simply pulled his plasma pistol and fired a shot a few inches above Markhov's head.

"One, I don't shoot you. And two, you get the privilege of joining the Covenant empire, filled with Russian speaking aliens..."

"NO RUSSIAN!" Vladimir screamed.

"Ok. Who will join us?" Solarius asked.

"Me." Vladimir said.

"Also me." Tomoya said.

"Shoo be doo! Shame on you!" Samantha scolded.

"Pass." Ferno said, walking out of the room.

"Will there be Happiness for my soldiers?" Chrysalis asked.

"What kind of 'Happiness' do you mean?" Tomoya asked slyly, earning him a whallop from Chrysalis.

"I have ssseen your tacticsss, and I do not accept to your termsss." Slither said, following Ferno out the door.

"I'm only one zebra, my expectations are low. I have no control over the zebras, you know." Zecora stated.

"I know that, you're the closest one I could find. And stop talking in rhymes, it's unnerving." Solarius replied.

"From the sand filled deserts to the Mountains of snow, I have one answer for you, the answer is no." Zecora smirked.

"Will someone get her out of here?" Solarius roared.


	3. Chapter 3

Ok...3rd chapter...woooo...hooray!

Look, i'm really sorry, but the 30+ chapters planned for this story have gone down to around 15, so...yeah.

* * *

_You know what I'll say? _

_I'm not gonna say the date,_

_So you'll have to guess._

Aside from the Covenant occupation, everything was normal in Ponyville.

Except Applejack was in the hospital after a Covvie bomb blew the barn into toothpicks and porcupined Applejack all over.

This kinda sucked, since she was a element of Harmony, but everyone in the Apple Family knew better than to sue the Covenant.

Uncle Hayseed, the only goat in the family, did that after the Covenant ruined his Applecart. He was served up for that evening's dinner.

* * *

"Waiter, what is this meat?" Solarius asked, "It's very delicious."

"Kid, sir."

"Ah! Young Billy goat!"

"His name wasn't Billy. And he wasn't young, either."

* * *

"Tarnation, Applebloom! You're tellin' me the barn's done gone?" Applejack was pissed. No more Sweet Apple Massacre roleplays! (0_0)

"Yes, Applejack. The Barn's 'done gone' as we both know, or has that explosion pierced your brain, too?" Applebloom said, sipping some more of her Apple-lute vodka, which she had started drinking after several Covenant, one particular Brute among them, had nabbed her belongings. Hell, they took the whole room!

"Don't talk like that to me, bitch!" Applejack yelled, bitchslapping Applebloom across the face.

Right around then, Lauren Faust walked into the room, and ordered them to cut down on the bad language.

"Whatever." Applebloom said, taking another sip of her vodka.

"No drinks on set!" Lauren shouted, and took away the vodka.

Applebloom whipped out another drink, which Faust whipped away from her. Applebloom took out yet another drink.

"Where are you 'getting' those?" Lauren asked.

"Your mother." Applebloom replied drily.

* * *

Across town, Rainbow Dash was out and about, being cool and shit.

Fellow Pegasus Derpy Hooves hadn't been seen for a week, and had missed several '20% Cooler' meetings.

At last, she saw the familiar blond haired pegasus sitting on a cloud, reading a book, and RD zoomed over there.

"Hiya, Derpy!" The cyan pegasus said.

Derpy turned, and Rainbow saw that she was surprisingly wearing reading glasses.

"Ah, greetings, mademoiselle Rainbow Dash, I was just reading this remarkable book. Care to take a look?" The usually stupid pegasus said in a cultured accent.

"What's it called?"

"Dante's Inferno." Derpy replied.

"...Ok Derpy, how did you become so smart?" Rainbow asked.

"Elementary, my dear Rainbow. The Covenant opened a new school up in Cloudsdale, and I was accepted, mainly because they bribed me with double chocolate chip muffins. My IQ of sub 80 has now shot up to over 200. Isn't that remarkable?" Derpy explained, now mysteriously in a deerstalk hat and smoking a pipe.

Rainbow just stared at her.

Derpy looked at her expression, shrugged, and returned to her book.

(several minutes later)

"I say, Rainbow Dash, could you please stop that? It is very annoying." Derpy said, because RD still had the stupidified expression on her face.

Rainbow shook her head and looked upwards, seeing 8 odd objects in the sky.

"Derpy, what are those things?" she asked.

"5 Halcyon cruisers and 3 Paris class Heavy frigates." Derpy said, not even looking up from her book.

"Who do they belong to?"

"The Covenant's enemies, the United Nations Space Command. UNSC for short."

"Are the UNSC landing here?"

"They probably are."

"Will they find the Covenant?"

"They probably will."

Already, several dozen smaller craft were descending towards the ground, landing a few seconds later.

The Covenant had noticed the craft landing and fired everything they had at them, mostly missing because they were too far away.

Several two legged creatures were getting out of the craft and firing back at the Covenant.

"Rainbow, please keep your head down." Derpy said, pulling Rainbow's head behind cover as a plasma bolt blasted past.


	4. The Toothpaste Wars begin

(coughs) Ok, Little A/N before we start the chapter.

Well, to be honest, school is getting a bit hectic over here, with exams and preliminary exams and pre-preliminary exams, so i'm kind of bogged down, with about 2 hours of free time, so Updating stories takes about two weeks at the least. I'm sorry, but stuff happens.

* * *

"SOMEONE GET THOSE LONGSWORDS ON STATION NOW! THE COVENANT HAVE US PINNED DOWN!" Wilson screamed at a radioman as several Covenant squads were firing at them.

While he was screaming however, he didn't notice a stallion rise up from behind a bush and aim an assault rifle at him.

Just before the stallion fired, however, a well aimed bullet buried itself in his head, sending him sprawling.

"Boom, headshot." Colgate smirked, wielding a sniper rifle.

* * *

And Colgate didn't notice the stereotypical evil alicorn looking at her through a stereotypical crystal ball.

"Confound that harlot! she's wrecking my plans for global Toothpaste domination!" The alicorn, who for trollface purposes we'll call Crest, raged.

"Sir? Maybe she's resisting because...maybe Equestrians don't want Crest toothpaste." his lackey, Dr. Mint, said.

"BAH! I HAVE NO USE FOR IDIOTIC EUROPEAN TOOTHPASTE INSPIRED PONIES! Once Colgate is dead, the Equestrians will have to suffer good old American toothpaste! We will crush them! This is a bullshit evil scheme, but by God, i'll succeed!" Crest raged, his horn glowing with black magic.

"Yes sir! ...whatever floats your boat, you flankfaced motherbucker." Mint mumbled.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"

"I said, we will gloat over that flankfaced motherbucker!"

"Good boy."

* * *

meanwhile Wilson was leading a charge on the fortified Sugarcube Corner, a trail of wrecked Wraiths, burned bodies, and gibbed grunts in his wake.

He was running straight towards the Wraith outside the centre, guns blazing, proving he is

A: awe-inspiringly brave

B: A suicidal maniac

C: Gary Stu

He, and just five of his platoon (the rest were too cowardly) stormed the Wraith, Mitchell tossing a grenade into its exhaust port, destroying it and the Wraith.*

After that, the rest of the platoon ran up to clear out the building.

...

That was all Wilson could remember after a completely random bottle of mouthwash clonked him on the head.

Said mouthwash actually came from Colgate, who was aiming it at one of Crest's minions. It wasn't really her fault her aim was off.

She could only watch in frustration as the minion laughed at her before running off.

* * *

Do not ask me what I was thinking when I made the Crest vs. Colgate sidestory. I just remember looking at Colgate toothpaste and Crest toothpaste, thinking of Colgate the Unicorn and saying "hmmmmmmmmmm..."

* I'm not sure if you can destroy a Wraith this way. I've never played Halo, so i'm working off what I know for now.


End file.
